Otaku Crave

Pictures are worth a thousand words, so we’re going to start with a picture of the universe. Planets and stars. Cats and dogs. That’s what the guys from the Yorozuka will be discussing with their special guest today.

Gin: Wait a minute. The one on the right isn’t the universe. Isn’t that Tsura?

Kagura: It’s the dark side of the universe aru.

Gin: Moving on, today, we have a special guest with us to discuss the latest episode of Gintama. He’s also going to show us how to go Bankai. Right, Kurosaki-san?

Guest: ….

Shinpachi: I’ve been trying to tell you for the last hour. Kurosaki-san is in the middle of filming some very important action scenes, so his manager phoned and said he couldn’t come.

Kagura: What! Gin-chan, I want a manager too aru.

Gin: Listen, Kagura, what would you rather have: a manager or a plate of sushi? They’re expensive, you know.

Kagura: You’re right. You can’t eat them can you? I want some ramen too aru.

Shinpachi: If you’re talking about cupmen, then… Wait! Why are we talking about cupmen? We should be talking about this week’s Gintama! What are you doing? You haven’t even introduced our guest.

Gin: You’re the one who started on cupmen. I only talked about sushi. Do we have any cupmen left? [stands up and rummages through the room]

Shinpachi: What are you doing? Where are you going? You can’t leave the guest! [To guest] I’m so sorry. Please ignore him.

Kagura: That’s right. Mine is ramen aru. Don’t put me on the same level as you. Cupmen? What’s that? Even saying it makes your breath stink like poor man aru. [spits]

Shinpachi [to guest]: Let’s talk about the show, Panda-san.

Guest: … I’m not Panda.

Gin [sits back down on the sofa]: I can’t be bothered with this. It was going to be bankai, but now we’re stuck with a really boring guy. Look, he doesn’t even have a catchphrase. What’s with this ‘I’m not Panda?’ At least make it ‘I’m not Panda, I’m Gaara.’

Shinpachi: You knew, didn’t you? You knew all along who he was. Why didn’t you introduce him? He’s been ‘Guest’ for the last 300 words. 300 words, and we’ve only just mentioned the guest’s name. No one will be reading by now! No one!

Gin [cleans ear]: Calm down, Shinpachi. They’re not complete idiots. They’ll just scroll right and find the longest paragraph. It;s probably in bold. Anyway, pictures are worth a thousand words, and we’ve got plenty of them already.

Kagura: That’s right, Shinpachi. Don’t sweat the small stuff. There are more important things to worry about aru. Saddaharu hasn’t been eating well aru.

Shinpachi: No one’s reading. I might as well sing Your Mama is a XX. ~ OMAE NO KA-CHAN….~

Gin: Waaaait. Wait! We’ll do this properly. Have you seen a piece of paper lying around? No? Well, a man who reads Jump from cover to cover doesn’t need a sheet of paper to introduce our guest this week. If you don’t know who he is, go read Jump. Got that?

Kagura: Stop that, Gin-chan. You’re turning people into no-good adults.

Shinpachi: I what way was that a proper introduction?

Gin: Gaara-san, please introduce yourself.

Shinpachi: Are you just too lazy to do the introduction yourself? Is that it? How much time are we going to waste? Think of the readers! Even the author’s running away! Look, there, she’s running away!

Gin: Don’t worry Shinpachi, she’s just gone to buy Kagura some sukonbu.

Gaara [The fifth Kazekage in the popular shounen series Naruto, also Naruto’s enemy-turned-friend, addresses all]: I need to get back to Sunagakure soon.

Shinpachi: We’ve done it now. We’ve really done it now. The stage direction just introduced him.

Kagura: So what did you think about this week’s Gintama, Stagedirection-san?

Shinpachi: Why are you asking the stage direction? The stage direction’s not our guest. Are you all ignoring our guest? How rude! [To Gaara] I’m really sorry. They’re always like that. There’s no much you can do. So, what did you think of this week’s Gintama?

Gaara: It was…

All: …

Shinpachi: Just to refresh your memory, it starts off with Saddaharu eating less than normal.

Kagura: I said 250 words earlier aru. Shinpachi, you’re always distracting me. We could be done and eating sushi by now aru.

Gin: Well said, Kagura. Panda-san, since you’re the replacement special guest, can you give us an episode summary?

Gaara: I’m Panda. And…

All: …

Gaara [takes out a notebook and reads]: This week’s Gintama was very enjoyable. I don’t want to spoil it for anyone, so let’s leave it at that.

Shinpachi: He’s a diplomat! Definitely a diplomat!

Gin: Don’t tell me… You didn’t watch the show, did you?

Gaara: I’m busy, so…

Shinpachi: Diplomat! Definitely a diplomat!

Kagura: Gin-chan, what’s a diplomat?

Gin: An average person might say, ‘You show’s rubbish, of course I didn’t watch it’, but a diplomat will say, ‘Sorry, I was busy’. Got that?

Gaara: I really am busy.

Gin: With all the paperwork? You get a lot of paperwork as a Kage, right?

Gaara: Yes.

Gin: How do I know that? Because I watch your show. I’m busy too, but I watch your show!

Gaara: Sorry. My bad.

All: …

Shinpachi: He believed it! He believed we’re busy!

Kagura: Don’t tell me… He hasn’t watched a single episode of Gintama before!

Gaara: No, that’s not…

Gin: Don’t tell me… Tenmari wrote that note, didn’t she? She doesn’t watch Gintama either, does she?

Gaara: She’s very busy too.

Kagura: I want to be a diplomat too. I bet diplomats can eat sushi all day aru.

Gin: Now, now, Kagura. You’re still a kid. Do you want to turn out like Britney.

Shinpachi: That’s completely different. And isn’t this an anime blog? It’s an anime blog isn’t it?

Gin: Calm down, Shinpachi. Calm down.

Shinpachi: I’m just trying to get the job done so we can leave. Panda-san needs to leave soon too, right, Panda-san.

Gaara: I’m not Panda, I’m… [Leafs through the notebook and stops] Kankoru…

Gin: I should have got Tsura to do this instead, as hard as that is on Ishida-sensei. Am I even getting a chocolate parfait afterwards?

Gaara: We are in outer space, where a shining object destroys many planets and heads to earth. In a flash of light, it’s gone.

After the OP, we’re back on familiar grounds. The three from the Yorozuka discuss Sadaharu’s appetite: it’s no what it used to be, and no, Gin-chan, it’s not a diet; Sadaharu’s not that kind of guy. So they’re talking him to the vet. Luckily, for the vet (saved from being shaken to death by Kagura), Sadaharu isn’t ill, but has simply swallowed something. That something happens to show up in the scan as a kage. No, Kagura, it’s not a type of ninja. It’s a shadow, and it’s a tree-like object with five branches. In other words, a human hand.

Can we show a picture of Gintoki and Shinpachi’s reaction to this?

Thank you. Can we also get a picture of what Sadaharu throws up? A clear version please.

I don’t know what that is, but I don’t think it’s an important character.

Although Sadaharu is now fine, just to be on the safe side, he’s staying overnight, and Kagura is staying with him.

There, Kagura meets Tsura. Is he at a vet because he can’t see a doctor? No, it’s because Elizabeth is unwell. When they scanned Elizabeth, you could see an old man shaped shadow inside. Poor Elizabeth. What has she swallowed?

There, they also meet an old dog, Kintaro: one whose owner is also on his death bed. That night, Tsura and Kagura decide to bring Kintaro to his master’s side one last time. As soon as Kagura opens the cage, the old dog hobbles through, trembling with effort. Yes, Tsura, it is a little samurai. Right?

The truth is…

Can we have a picture of the truth please?

Kintaro is the incarnation of evil: Parasite X, the Star-Eater, that changes living creatures into super-living creatures that take huge chunks out of the planet. He accidentally entered the body of a dog, and has been sealed away by his master for 18 years, but finally the chains that bind him are broken. (So he tells Tsura and Kagura as they chat in the cafe) Earth is finally… Cough… Sputter… Quick, call an ambulance!

Tsura and Kagura decide that even though the dog is a monster, they’re going to bring it to the old man because to him, Kintaro is still his beloved dog. Just then, they are attacked by a group of cats. Yes, they are Parasite Z, forces of good: born to destroy the Eaters. They make their hosts throw up. And accidentally got trapped in the body of cats. Here they are, out to destroy the very last seed of evil on planet Earth.

Can we get a better picture of them?

Tsura and Kagura leap onto Sadaharu and run from the cats, determined to bring Kintaro to the old man’s hospital on time. Through gun fires and Tsura’s peace talks (he doesn’t want either kind of fluff ball to disappear), will they get to the old man’s bedside on time?

Sorry Tsura, it’s not going to be a long-running fluff ball arc. We’ll find out soon enough next week!

Is that all?

Shinpachi: …

Shinpachi: Sorry, they’ve already left. It’s long. It’s far too long.

END

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